Diary from Another Dimension:The Journal of Varney
by Draculena
Summary: The personal diary of one of the most confused vampires every created. A spinoff of Blood Suckers Anonymous. Extreme OOCness.
1. Entry I

*~* Welcome to the journal of Varney the Vampyre. Enter if you dare. For those of you who don't know already, this fic is a spin off of another fic, Blood Suckers Anonymous. Our first spin off *tear drop* I'm so proud of them. Anyway, OOCness must be expected in this fic. If you don't understand the mind workings of Varney, try reading Blood Suckers Anonymous. If you're still lost after that, don't worry, even I don't understand how his mind works. *~*  
  
Sunday May 18, 2003  
  
Hello, world! Or piece of paper that used to be a tree but is now dead and mashed into pulp and bleached white. I am Sir Francis Varney. Call me Varney, or Sir Varney, or Lord and Master, or Ruler of the Universe So Hah. Just don't call me Frank. I hate that. Anyway, hello! I'm waving to you right...oops! Knocked over my ink pot...and there's only a limited amount of ink left in my feather pen so I have to ma-  
  
Later  
  
It's ok now. I got more ink. What was I saying? Nevermind, I can't remember. Anyway, welcome to my world! Just don't feed the ducks! I really like ducks. Don't tell anyone that. Well, ok, you can tell them. It doesn't really matter anyway. I mean, what's wrong with ducks? I like ducks. I have one living in a box in my closet right now. It's got a green head. I want a green head. I wish I had a green head. I envy you, duck! Why can't I have a green head? Or have a head that changes pink and green, like those cool pigeons in New York. I like pigeons too. But I don't have one. Only my duck, with the green head. Which I envy. Alot.  
  
I also own a denstist chair, but that's another story. That doesn't involve ducks. Especially not ducks with green heads. They're called mallards, you know. And only the guys have green heads. The duck, not the dentist chair. Say, if male ducks are drakes, what does that make male dentist chairs?  
  
Are there male denstist chairs? Jeez, I've never thought of that one...must ask Ruthven about this. I wonder if Ruthven wants a green head like a duck. Maybe that's why Ruthven's always so grouchy. He envies the ducks as well. And all this time I thought it was just severe male PMS.  
  
I think Lestat has severe male PMS. Is he even a male? I'll have to ask him about this sometime. Say...is that his cell phone? I thought I sold this already...oh no...wait...that's mine. Ok. False alarm. Stealing people's cellphones and then selling them back to them is a good way to make cash. And a good way to buy a denstist chair. Wait...I have a cell phone? Wait...now I'm confused. Ok, I must not have sold it back to him for the second time yet. Ok. It's ok now. I'm good.  
  
Well, except for the fact that my head still isn't green. Like the duck, which I envy. Alot.  
  
I wonder if ducks get severe male PMS. No, because Lestat is not blessed with a green head. Unless he's a female duck.  
  
I'm having a productive day today. And they all thought they could hide their secrets from me. But now I know.  
  
Even if my head isn't green. Like my duck with the green head. Which I envy. Alot.  
  
*~* Review please. *~* 


	2. Entry II

*~* Entry two of Varney's journal is now up. *~*  
  
Friday May 23, 2003  
  
My foot is itchy, and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. It's been itching for about an hour now, and it's making it difficult to write steadily. That and the horrendous noise of a goat sacrifice next door. I should really go over there sometime and just smack those kids upside the head. Worshipping the devil, hah! Next thing they'll start believing in vampires. And those don't exist. I hope.  
  
I was attacked by an obese Chihuahua today when I went outside to water the perennials. It was fat and greasy. It kept barking at me, and it appeared to be foaming. I tried to explain calmly to it that I do not have any tacos to spare, but it appeared not to understand. I turned to back away, but instead I snagged my cloak on a rose bush and my cape on the fence. The Chihuahua commenced to attack me until I melted it with my heat powers. Or at least singed it. Well, ok, so it's true, my heat powers didn't actually work, so I began to blow in its face rapidly. Needless to say I was soon out of breath and quite dizzy, and the Chihuahua was little more than annoyed. The fat pig flew out and bit me until it was satisfied, whizzed in my flowers, and was gone.  
  
It was about this time that the goat sacrifice next store began and.holy monkey! Who was that? Someone I appear to know just walked into that house with the goat.by the way, it's the same goat that was feasting upon my perennials before they were whizzed upon by the vicious dog. My poor perennials. Wait.there he was again. Ruthven is worshipping the devil? Or was that.no it' s just some guy with a cloak. Ok. False alarm. Why is there a fire truck in my driveway? Who in the hell said they could park there? I really need to move. But then I would have to rewire my new house to accommodate my dentist chair. And my duck. Not that I have to rewire my duck, but never mind.  
  
I wish I were a drag queen.  
  
*~* Review please, it's good for your soul. *~* 


	3. Entry III

*~* Wow, it's been awhile. *~*  
  
June 14, 2003  
  
Hello, World! I'm here again! Didja miss me? Huh?  
  
Yes, I am back, the world's most cutest vampire. Ok, so my title is grammatically incorrect, but that's why I'm cute! Actually, my appearance is quite ugly, which is why I want to be a drag queen sometimes. Some people have all the luck! No, I'm cute because I'm so ignorant. Yes! I am a FREAK! Though I could be good looking if I maybe took a shower or combed my hair.  
  
In other news, I made it to the next level on "Enter the Matrix" the other day. It only took me nearly eight hours of play to figure out that when you jump into the hole, you die. Which means you lose. If I ever make a video game, I'll be sure to make it so that you don't die when you jump off the cliff or the hole, or whatever, but you come back as an invincible vampire. So the point is to lose. Sort of. So you win if you lose.  
  
Anyway, so back to my moment of glory.  
  
I was playing away, after eight hours, and I finally got to the next level, in which you must find a phone for some reason. I never actually saw the movie, so I didn't know what the point of the game was, or who my character was (Louis says "Captain Naobi" but Lestat says "Your Momma Now Get Out.") but hell, it sure was fun to jump repeatedly off that cliff. Anyway, I made it to the next level and proceeded to do a victory dance, which involved snapping my fingers rapidly and making it rain rabbits. As I was twirling around in my storm of rabbits and feeling incredibly impressed with myself, I failed to notice that the game had not paused, and I was promptly killed. Which was not good, apparently. I was just about to start everything up again when the door opened and Lestat walked in with Cindy, although I have reason to believe that he was drunk, and she was as well. I could get him arrested for that, but because I could also be arrested for breaking and entering, I will say nothing.  
  
If you are wondering as to why I am extremely coherent today, it has to do with that I just took my medication. Ritalin. It's good.  
  
Ok, so because he was drunk, and she was, the two of them were acting in a fashion that should not be described because small children may find my diary some day and read it. It involved flirting. French style. Anyway, I was enjoying my storm of white rabbits, when I saw them and decided to hide behind the sofa. Which probably wasn't the smartest move. But hey, I had just been playing a video game for eight hours, which is scientifically proven to increase ADD, so I wasn't quite as intelligent as usual.  
  
Don't anyone dare comment on that last statement.  
  
So anyway, the two of them collapsed in a drunken heap on top of my hiding spot, ignoring the rabbits. My guess is if you were drunk, you would ignore all the white rabbits as well. Which brings me to my next point; why would anyone want to be drunk? I mean, really. I tried after the fact to ask Lestat, but he didn't give me a coherent response. Seriously, he would have to TRY to get drunk in order to do it since he's Undead and all. That means that in order to get a high alcohol content in his blood, he would have to find a victim with a high alcohol content in her blood, and proceed to drink her dry.  
  
Anyway, to continue with my lovely story.  
  
The two of them proceeded to make out on top of my lovely hiding place, and I was treated to a quite few lovely smooching sounds. Ick. It took me a few minutes to realize that I had left the video game on, and during this time, random symbols (I believe it's called the "Matrix Code") were flying down the screen. I believe the flashiness of this brilliant code caught Cindy's eye, as she began to giggle. I must say, it is hypnotic. I was actually staring at it so hard for one of those eight hours that I began to drool on myself. And the floor. Or perhaps it was the rabbits that were making her laugh. I don't know. All I know is that I was behind that couch listening to what was going on and seriously hoping that the two of them would leave the room or something, so I could gather my beloved rabbits and make an escape out the window and disappear in the crowds of New Orleans.  
  
Figures that Lestat lives in New Orleans. Betcha he pulls the whole drunk thing at Mardi Gras. Ten bucks says he attempts to get stoned too.  
  
Anyway, she saw the rabbit or the screen or something and began to giggle. It was a drunk type of girly giggle. Very innocent, I must say. Anyway, apparently Lestat became confused at this, or wasn't as drunk as she was, because he questioned her, but she continued to giggle. When he finally turned around, he noticed the screen. And I think he saw the rabbits. He must have been even more confused at this, because he got up to investigate the rabbits. I say this because I highly doubt Lestat would ever willingly end a make out session prematurely. He looked down first at the video game system on the floor, all spread out and messy, and not all neat like I had found it, and then he saw the rabbits. He stopped for a second, Cindy was no longer giggling. Now he was definitely curious.  
  
I was panicking behind the couch.  
  
"Louis? Are you here?"  
  
Then a glimmer of hope came out of nowhere. He suspected Louis! He was too drunk to think, and he's not the brightest when sober if I do say so myself.  
  
But then my luck ran out, as Louis was not home, and there was no answer. He then noticed the large puddle of drool on the floor.  
  
"Mojo? Are you here?"  
  
Oh, he was definitely drunk. He was talking to his dog. But there came no sound, and Cindy began to panic. Sort of. And I think this made Lestat more determined to find out who had drooled on the floor, because now Cindy wasn't up for doing whatever he had gotten her drunk to do.  
  
At this point, the door opened again, and Louis entered the room with Mojo on a leash, while carrying a bag of what appeared to be food. Probably for both Cindy and Mojo.  
  
"Lestat, what are all these white rabbits?"  
  
Lestat blinked a few times.  
  
"You mean. . .they exist?"  
  
"Yes, they do. Are you drunk or something?"  
  
Oh shoot, Louis was here. And he was sober. Now I was in trouble.  
  
"What's going on here?" Shoot! Louis was curious!  
  
"I would like to ask you the same question. You're video game is on, and there is a large puddle of drool." Lestat was becoming more sober by the minute.  
  
"Not to mention several white rabbits. You mean you didn't find this strange?" Louis raised his eyebrows.  
  
Now, I have allergies. I'm allergic to many French perfumes and colognes. I was actually doing very well considering the huge amount of scent coming off our two drunk lovers. But I really cannot abide dogs. Not only that, but the dog was growling about something. Perhaps he sensed my presence. Anyway, I began to sniffle lightly.  
  
"I smell something strange. It smells actually like ducks and a dentist's office. And s'mores."  
  
Great, Louie could sense me too. Now he walked over to the couch, Mojo continued to growl, and Cindy began to panic more. Everything grew silent. Some one faintly whispered "Oon. . .dough. . .twah. . ." or something. Maybe it was Italian. Or perhaps French. Anyway, and a hand flew out and grasped the collar of my cloak.  
  
"Varney?" Louis stared at me in disbelief.  
  
Needless to say, Lestat went ballistic, claiming that I was being a perv and spying on him, and Louis wanted to know what was going on and why I was in their house in New Orleans, and not in Los Angeles. And why I was playing his Matrix game. And had I erased his files.  
  
Luckily for me I hadn't, so Louis simply shooed me off with a warning that what I had done was illegal, and with a basket of all my rabbits. I must have been quite a sight, in my dirty cloak that hasn't been washed since. . .uh. . . I forget, muddy hair (as usual) and a basket of rabbits. But I look like that always, so no big whoop.  
  
So that was my weekend. I learned something. Breaking and entering is illegal. Even if you really want to play "Enter the Matrix." And I also learned that the French get really pissed if you break their make out sessions up. Even if you didn't mean to.  
  
Anyone wanna buy a white rabbit?  
  
*~* Sorry that took so long. More will come with reviews. *~* 


	4. Entry IV

Crap! Forgot I had this one!  
  
*~* Entry Four  
  
Rabbits. . .rabbits. . .rabbits. . .I like writing the word 'rabbits.' Rabbits. . .rabbits. . .rabbits. . .I have a rabbit in my pants. . .wait. . .scratch that. . .I'm not wearing pants. . .so I guess it's more of a rabbit in my pocket. . .my cloak pocket. . .it's gnawing on my chocolate bar. . .the one I'm saving for later. . .for after dinner. . .it's a big tasty chocolate bar. . .waaaait. . .  
  
(Large splotches of ink)  
  
Have removed rabbit from chocolate bar. Chocolate is intact with some tooth marks in it and some white hair sticking to it. And a paperclip. Oh well, paperclips and lint never hurt anyone.  
  
(Crumbs of chocolate)  
  
So, I'm supposed to be writing what happened tonight. Ok, well, uh. . .I woke up and. . .I. . .uh. . .went to the. . .place with the carrots.  
  
Yeah, the place with the carrots is just next door, so it's really convenient. Talk about a hop, skip, and a jump away. Actually, it's more of a wander across the yard, leap over the barbed wire fence, sneak past the guard dogs away. With a large shovel and a garbage bag. And some mace. ((Word of the day.)  
  
The carrots must be really special, because there's like. . .all these guys who attack you if you get caught going over there. With Shock Sticks. Patent Pending. The carrots glow a greenish color. If you take several of them and shove them in a candelabra, it saves you matches. And when you feed the carrots to the rabbits, the rabbits eyes glow greenish and the rabbits get bigger. And their teeth get sharper. And their fur gets a bit longer. And they hop on two legs rather than four. And make really loud rabbit noises.  
  
Anyway, these irritable guys work for some thing called the Fbye and Nahsaww. I think that's how you pronounce it. Cause their uniforms say "FBI" and "NASA" on them. There's also a guy whose uniform says something about a music station for ADDs like me, called "Radio Active."  
  
Right, so you might be wondering why I haven't updated in a really really really long forever. Well, um, after that incident last time, some people got mad at me and stole my diary, because I found it in a coven house. I was hanging out there the other day, being "cool" with Radu, and it was on the shelf. It was neat. Kinda. Hope no one read it.  
  
Or at least. . .no one evil. Who would blackmail me. Like Ruthven. I didn't just write that. . . *~* Reviews, please.  
  
Am thinking of moving this one over to "Dracula" as it tends to get sort of lost in the Misc. genre.  
  
But still . . .review, please. ^_^ 


	5. Entry V

HELLO WORLD!

Wow, it HAS been a long time since I wrote in this thing. Well, I guess I just had nothing to write about all these weeks and months and stuffs. But tonight is a special night because I'm sitting at my Master the Wonderful Beautiful Sexy Slinky Sly Lord Ruthven Whom I Love So Much's desk and actually using his…HIS!…burgundy feather pen. It's feathery and soft and I want to sleep with it today on my pillow. It's cuddly and frou frou-ey. And it writes with a flourish.

I am Jack's rabbit.

It's fun.

(A/N: Holy crap…I was just wondering why there was soft music playing in the background…and wondering if I was imagining it or something…and then I realized that my headphones were playing. And I was wearing them. And consciously turned them on approximately three minutes ago.)

ANYWAY, I got a present earlier this evening. It was from my Mistress the Lovely Pretty Deadly Dainty Lady Countess Carmilla Whom I Adore. She gave me a pretty stuffed bunny, which is white and soft and cuddly and says "Made In Taiwan" on the tag. It has plastic eyes. They stare. They're hypnotic.

I drooled.

The desk blotter has a spot on it now. It is round. Sort of. And moist.

My spidey senses are tingling...

(Two hours later…)

I am now sitting in my room. My Master says that his desk is now off limits, sort of like that box that the Count keeps stuff he steals from everyone else (like candy) in. Radu still hasn't figured out that his eye pencils keep ending up in there. And I still haven't told him. He owes me a bedtime story first, then he gets his end.

Once he told me a story and it was really fantastical. It was when I had the vampire flu. He told me a story about a princess. I don't remember what happened then because I passed out because I was sick, but I'm sure it was the best story I've ever heard. But I like my Master and Mistress's stories too, because they're all the best. Especially when they tell them together. And then they get confused. And end up in "healthy debate." Which means that they yell at each other about whether or not the princess really needed to be saved by the prince or if she could handle it all by her self or not. Usually I fall asleep before the end of the story. The Master says that the Mistress is a militant feminist. The Mistress says that the Master is a chauvinist pig. Sometimes Radu comes in and says that both of them ought to kiss and make up. Then he gets glared at and then he rolls his eyes.

Because we all know that kissing and make up are Radu's favorite hobbies.

He's pretty. He's not a Master or a Mistress. He's just a Radu, I think. Once the Mistress told me he was my Uncle. I don't care what he is; he tells good stories. That have endings that aren't "healthy debate." Those sorts of endings are suspenseful, but sometimes it gets a little boring. I guess that's why they tell them to me to get me to go to sleep. It's a good trick. The Master and Mistress are so smart.

Just the other day they had a healthy debate over whether or not they loved each other. They switched sides every few minutes or so. It was true talent. These two could run for President of the United States or something and no one would know who to vote for. It would be like…a tie. It might get pretty extreme, though, and potentially dangerous. I think they might rouse so much emotion in the people that the people would start heaving folding chairs at each other and then the entire thing would have to be moved off of the news channels and onto ESPN or something. Extreme Debate. It would make a nice reality show, let me tell you.

Speaking of reality shows, Radu was watching American Idol the other night. I think he's like…a genius in talent. He knew exactly what everyone was doing wrong, and told me all about it. Then he told me all about his plan to audition next season, but not for singing. He wants to do make up and costume design to help some of those poor slobs out. I told him that he should definitely try out. I also suggested that he audition for the Maury show so that he could take people who have problems with their self images and make them beautiful. He told me he would keep that in mind as well, and that if his job as being the Prince of Walachia fails him, he'll definitely look into it. He then thought about it a little more and said he might want to try out for American Idol.

He was practicing upstairs later that night. The Count told him to stop waking up the dead and the undead. "Auntie" (because Radu told me to call his boyfriend that) Statsy had to cheer him up after that. After all, if he can't deal with the Count then he'll crumble in front of Simon.

Yeah, world, so it's been awhile. And BSA (along with the skeleton of VBC) was removed from (long story…it has to do with formatting)…but it's all being slowly restored on the mainpage, the link to which is under the profile. I'm not dead…I'm still out here…just wanted to let you know after being silent for so long.

Love,

Draculena


End file.
